How wives, girlfriends and families can support men to get checked

Throughout The People’s Tribune’s Prostate Cancer Awareness Series, the focus has largely been on men, the warning signs they should know, PSA testing, higher risks for Black men, myths surrounding the disease and what can and cannot be done to reduce risk.

But prostate cancer rarely affects only one person.

Behind many men is a wife, girlfriend, partner, daughter, sister, mother, brother or close friend who may be the first to notice that something is wrong, the first to ask whether he has had a check-up, or the person who finally convinces him to make an appointment.

For some men, that support can make all the difference.

Start the conversation without making it a confrontation

Many men do not avoid healthcare because they do not care about their health. Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes embarrassment. Sometimes they do not want to hear bad news. Others may simply believe that because they feel fine, there is no reason to see a doctor.

That is where loved ones can help.

The conversation does not have to begin with, “You need to get tested.” It can begin with a question: When was the last time you spoke to your doctor about your prostate health?

Ask about family history. Ask whether his father or brothers ever had prostate problems. Ask whether he knows what a PSA test is. Sometimes a calm conversation opens the door much better than repeated warnings.

Do not use fear as motivation

Telling a man that he is going to die if he does not get checked is unlikely to produce the kind of conversation you want.

Prostate cancer can be serious, but getting checked does not mean cancer will be found. An elevated PSA does not automatically mean cancer either. There are many reasons PSA can rise, and further testing is often needed before doctors know what is happening.

Partners and family members can help by reminding men that an appointment is about getting information, not receiving a predetermined diagnosis.

The goal should be to replace fear with facts.

Help make the appointment happen

Sometimes the biggest obstacle is simply getting started.

If a man has been saying for months that he will make an appointment, offer practical help. Find the number. Help him check his schedule. Remind him of the appointment. If he wants company, go with him.

That may seem like a small thing, but health concerns are easier to postpone when everyday responsibilities get in the way.

For men who are particularly anxious, knowing that someone they trust will be there can make walking into the doctor’s office much easier.

Listen before giving advice

A partner may be eager to fix the problem immediately, but sometimes the most useful thing is simply listening.

A man may be worried about cancer. He may be frightened of a prostate examination. He may be worried about treatment, sexual function, urinary problems or what a cancer diagnosis could mean for his family.

Those fears should not be laughed at or dismissed.

Allow him to say what he is actually worried about. Once that fear is out in the open, it is much easier to separate what is real from what may be based on myths or assumptions.

Be involved, but do not take over

Support should not mean making every decision for him.

If he wants you at a medical appointment, listen carefully and take notes. It can be difficult to remember everything a doctor says when someone is nervous. Help him prepare questions beforehand.

What does the PSA result mean? Should it be repeated? Are other tests needed? Should he see a urologist? What are the options if something suspicious is found?

Having another person in the room can help, but the man himself should remain at the center of decisions about his care.

If results are worrying, avoid jumping to conclusions

An abnormal result can create panic for an entire family.

Try not to immediately assume the worst. PSA testing is only one part of the process. A doctor may recommend another PSA test, additional blood or urine tests, imaging such as an MRI, or a biopsy depending on the circumstances.

This can be one of the most important moments for a partner or family member to provide stability.

Help him follow through with appointments. Help him keep track of information. Encourage him to ask questions until he understands what doctors are telling him.

Support matters after diagnosis too

If prostate cancer is found, emotional support becomes even more important.

Not every prostate cancer requires the same treatment. Some cancers may be monitored through active surveillance, while others may require surgery, radiation, hormone therapy or other treatment.

Treatment can also affect parts of a man’s life he may find difficult to discuss, including sexual function, urinary control and body image.

Partners should remember that these issues can affect confidence, relationships and intimacy as much as they affect physical health.

Patience matters. Communication matters. So does allowing a man to talk about what he is experiencing without making him feel less masculine because of it.

Know when encouragement becomes pressure

There is a difference between caring and constantly reminding someone that something may be wrong.

A man who feels attacked may withdraw even further.

Choose the right moment. Speak privately. Avoid embarrassing him in front of friends or relatives. Make it clear that the concern is coming from love, not criticism.

You can say, “I want you around for a long time, and I want us to know that everything is okay.”

Sometimes that is enough.

For wives, girlfriends and families in St. Maarten, prostate cancer awareness is not only a message for men. Loved ones can play an important role in encouraging conversations, reducing fear and helping men follow through with healthcare.

You cannot force someone to take care of himself.

But you can make it easier for him to take that first step.

And sometimes, the first step begins with someone who cares enough to ask: Have you been checked?

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